Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Ergonomic Santa



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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Friday, December 15, 2006

Corus


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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Friday, December 01, 2006

Pet Safety First Aid and CPR Course to be offered in Hanover

TownOnline.com - Arts & Lifestyle: Pet Safety First Aid and CPR Course to be offered in Hanover: "South Paws Doggie Daycare located on Rt. 53 in Hanover will host a Pet Safety First Aid and CPR Course on Saturday, Dec. 9, from 3 to 9 p.m."

Please leave pets at home. The class will be working on dummies.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Stoker: My friend Ted got a job down at the bowling place today as a safety officer.

Fred: Ten-pin?

Stoker: No, it's permanent.
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

New safety pictures

safetyphoto safety photo: "Site updated 25/11/2006 - New safety photos"

Environment Agency - Flood damage

Environment Agency - Flood damage: "Homeowners that are flooded stand to lose on average more than £28,000 compared to £900 if they are burgled, the Environment Agency warned today on the launch of its national flood awareness campaign."

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Submarine safety

On board HMS Vulnerable Somewhere in the north Atlantic
00.43hrs Zulu time. The giant sub had been sitting 40 metres below the churning
waves for eight straight hours. The crew were edgy, nervous, sweaty, knowing
that the fate of the nation and the free world was being discussed in the
skipper's wardroom. The order to fire the boat's nuclear weapons deep into the
heart of enemy territory had been received and authenticated at 08.00hrs. But
now it was gone midnight and still the missiles were in their tubes.


Behind the oak-panelled door of his cabin, Captain Clint Thrust was
listening wearily to his health and safety executive officer, Nigel Ormskirk,
who had read the risk assessment form and was not satisfied.

"Captain,
you say here that these missiles contain plutonium and you are proposing that we
detonate them over a city. Do you not realise people could be hurt here?"


Twenty-five-year-old Ormskirk had left Keele University with a third in
human resources, having impressed the examiners with his paper on the perils of
hand and arm vibration injuries among stone masons. Since being posted to the
sub fleet, he had chalked up a number of successes, chief among which was
changing his boat's name from HMS Vanquish to HMS Vulnerable. He was
particularly proud of his 1997 "Be Seen" campaign after which the sub had not
hit a single trawler. Thrust, the gnarled old salty sea dog captain, had
objected, of course, saying the point of a submarine was rather lost if it was
bright orange and had to spend its entire time on the surface. But what did he
know.

"You see," Ormskirk was saying . . . But a shrill beep from the PA
system cut him off: "Con. Sonar. Contact bearing 270 degrees. It's a destroyer,
sir, and it's coming right at us." Thrust keyed the mike. "Stay calm, people.
We've plenty of air cover. They can take care of this."

On board the
aircraft carrier HMS Weak Somewhere near the Vulnerable 00.47hrs Zulu Time.
Veteran pilot Jack Kill simply could not believe what he was being told by the
Weak's health and safety officer, Ron Stapleford. "This is a Harrier GR7," he
screamed. "What do you mean by saying the wings don't look long enough?" "I'm
just saying," said Ron in his Brummie drawl, "that with all those bombs and
missiles, it really doesn't look very safe." "Look," said Kill. "We've just got
word from the Vulnerable that she's under attack. I have to get out there with
my cargo of death. I must spit fire into that enemy ship or the war will be lost
and your children will grow up speaking Russian." "Don't worry," said Ron.
"Ormskirk's on the Vulnerable. He's a good man. He'll make sure they're safe."


On board the Vulnerable somewhere in the north Atlantic 00.55hrs Zulu
time The depth charges were raining down, sending the orange sub reeling from
side to side. Thrust was barking orders to the helmsman: "Flood tubes one and
four." "Sorry, sir," said the burly helmsman. "New regulations from health and
safety. After the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, the doors have been welded
shut."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," yelled Thrust as yet another depth charge
hammered the hull. "Where's Ormskirk?"

He was in the galley, a look of
abject horror on his face: "For crying out loud. How many times do I have to
tell you people that you must not store meat and dairy products in the same
fridge. Do you want to have tummy ache?"

Before they could answer, an
enormous explosion ripped the propeller from its mountings and a wall of
freezing sea water spurted into the engine room. "Close all hatches," yelled
Thrust over the PA system. Oh no, thought Ormskirk. Some of the men have
boyfriends back there. They must be allowed to try to save them.

Back in
the engine room, the trapped men were trying to open the hatch to get out before
the north Atlantic claimed yet another teenage soul. Some were screaming. Some
were praying. Some were struggling with the latch. But each and every one
breathed a sigh of relief when the man from health and safety appeared at the
window. "Do you need counselling?" he said. "No," they shouted. "We want you to
open this hatch. It can only be done from the outside." "Yes," said Ormskirk,
"that's a valid safety point and I'll be sure to file a report when we get
back." "Open the bloody thing," they shouted. "I can't," said Ormskirk. "You
know as well as I do that it's a two-man job. I could crick my back if I tried
to do it on my own."

But then he had an idea. He opened a secure channel
to Thrust. "Captain: there are men back here in water that's 4oC colder than we
recommend. I order you to surrender."

............
Gulag 43 Siberia,
Russia - Three months later.

It was a grey, misty morning and silence
hung over the prison yard like an old dishcloth as Nigel Ormskirk was tied to
the bullet-ridden post.

"Ready," screamed the Russian execution party
leader. "Take aim . . . "

"Hold on a minute," said Nigel. "You aren't
allowed to use loaded weapons unless there's a trained armourer on the . . ."


"Fire!."


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Friday, September 22, 2006

safety photos


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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Tools

DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4

Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS

See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

PRY BAR

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short.

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Big bang


An explosion occurs in a paint mixing room, and once all the mess has been cleared up, the inquiry begins.

One of the few surviving witnesses is called to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charlie was in the mixing room, the break bell went off, old Charlie sat on top of a drum of acetone, I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and start to light up."

"He struck a match in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been working in the mixing room?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"After 20 years he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd do."

"It was, sir."


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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Scotsman.com Business - Office & workplace - Walking or taking the lift.. it's a risky business for Health and Safety staff

Scotsman.com Business - Office & workplace - Walking or taking the lift.. it's a risky business for Health and Safety staff: "They are described in concise reports which give details in classic officialese.

• In January 2003, a lift at the HSE Glasgow office got stuck 18 inches below the level of the floor. 'IP [Injured Person] exiting lift failed to notice that lift not level with floor resulting in IP tripping.'

• August of the same year saw an official at the organisation's office in Aberdeen get caught in a lift door. 'It then started to close and banged against IP's shoulder and arm and then proceeded to finally open.'

• In December 2003, again in Aberdeen, 'IP walking down stairs and slipped on landing which had recently been washed, bruising knee. Floor was wet with no warning signs.'

• Another reported: 'Returning from lunch, slipped in car park, grazing hands and bruising knees. Was walking up slight gradient in wet conditions across 'knobbly' non-slip slabs.'

• In January 2004, again at the HSE office in Aberdeen, the diffuser from an overhead light crashed to the floor just in front of a startled individual.

• That June, a member of staff in Edinburgh reported: 'Box fell on toe, resulting in bruise.' Another reported: 'Thigh strain from using steps up to Portacabin.' And yet another in Edinburgh was involved in the following incident: 'Fell over speed bump and grazed hand and knee.'

• In the same month, in Aberdeen, a staffer reported: 'Cut from penknife whilst opening a box.' And another described: 'Laceration to right thumb.'

• January 2005 saw a staffer in the capital whack their head on a whiteboard. It reported: 'Unpacking bag on floor when straightened up and hit head on corner of pen shelf of whiteboard - cut to scalp. Pen shelf to be removed.'"

Monday, September 04, 2006

'6 Million People Have Literacy Problems'

FE News.co.uk: Further Education and Work Based Learning NVQ news website.: "'No one should underestimate the importance of the skills crisis all of us in FE are facing. But the recent complaining by employers about the skills levels of their newly employed workers has a bit of a hollow ring.

'Today no less than one in three employers refuse to offer training to their workforce in spite of the incentives that the government is offering. This means that 8.5 million workers are being denied training – and many of them are in the greatest need."



Ultra Linking

Children told to stay off radioactive beach

Telegraph | News | Children told to stay off radioactive beach: "By Simon Barber
(Filed: 04/09/2006)

A beach near Dounreay power station has become Britain's first officially acknowledged radioactive public landscape after pieces of plutonium fuel rods were found there."

Saturday, August 26, 2006

safety joke

A doctor, an engineer, and a safety officer arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The safety officer was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."


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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes
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Friday, August 25, 2006

Health and Safety, You See

Iain Dale's Diary: Health and Safety, You See: "Yesterday I visited ITN in Grays Inn Road. When I entered the building I was asked if I minded having my bag searched. No problem, I said. It's a large briefcase type bag, which has a lot of pockets and carries my laptop. I undid the two clasps and expected the man to have a good 'rootle' (as we say in Essex) but he just stood there and looked inside - not that he could see much as it was crammed full. I asked him if he wasn't going to search the bag. Oh no, he said. He couldn't put his hands inside - health and safety, you see. And then came the clincher. 'You never know what might be in there!' There's not a lot you can say to that, is there?"

Monday, August 21, 2006

bad safety joke


There was a young safety manager from Kent
Whose nose was all battered and bent.
One day he arose and followed his nose
And no one knew which way he went.
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes
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Friday, August 18, 2006

Heaven or Hell....


Heaven or Hell: "An engineer/safety professional dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer/safety professional. Sorry but you're in the wrong place.' So the engineer/safety professional reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer/safety professional gets dissatisfied with the level of safety and comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer/safety professional is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?'

Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer/safety professional is going to come up with next.'

God replies, 'What??? You've got an engineer/safety professional? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer/safety professional on the staff and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'"

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Hospital


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday.


So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes
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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Forklift joke


After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About £2,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"
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Fire Drill


Fire Drill
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced:

"We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."

My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added:

"If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."

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The smoke theory


A theory has recently been postulated asserting the great importance of smoke to the functioning of electrical components. According to this theory, it is smoke which makes components work because every time you let smoke out of a component, it stops working!! It seems this claim has been verified through extensive field testing.

As with many great discoveries, this has eluded the great minds of our time by its very simplicity. Of course, smoke makes all things electrical work! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your power supply? Didn’t it stop working? On a system level, a wiring harness carries smoke from one device to another, and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. Some systems require larger quantities of smoke to operate properly. That’s why the wires going to them are bigger.

Of course, there are some aspects of the theory which require further investigation. For example, one would think that persons who smoke cigarettes would be much more healthy from ingesting all that smoke. Experimental data seems to contradict that hypothesis. Perhaps smokers are actually exhaling more smoke than they inhale...


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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Manual Handling



During manual handling training a strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the site safety team.

After several minutes, the manual handling instructor had had enough.

''Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,'' he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can move something in a wheelbarrow over to that site hut that you won't be able to wheel back.''

''You're on, old man,'' the braggart replied. ''Let's see what you got.''

The manual handling instructor reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ''All right. Get in.''
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Balloon


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,

"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be a safety officer (Gladys)," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded,

"You must be a manager for southern rail."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman,

"You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Fireman’s pole banned for being a "health and safety hazard"!

Fireman’s pole banned for being a "health and safety hazard"!: "London, August 5: Firefighters in the UK are scorching mad after the traditional fireman's pole was banned from a new 2.4 million pound station because it posed a 'health and safety hazard'.

The firefighters will now be forced to run down the stairs of the newly built three-storey Greenbank Fire Station in Plymouth, Devon, raising concerns that vital seconds will be lost on their way to an emergency call."

Site meeting


The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before hand over the client wants some poor and incomplete work finished (snagging). A meeting is arranged between client, main contractor and a sub contractor. Site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager are all in attendance.

A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. The clients rep points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

They move to the first floor and the clients rep points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

on the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, "Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window
'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The sub contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blokes laying turf around the building."
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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes
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Accident report


"Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information on the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note on my accident form that my weight is 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope."

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Demolition Job


Three men wanted to join a demolition company, so they all sent there CV’s to the MD and asked if they could have a job. The MD said "prove you can blow up a building and tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet, then you can have a job."
So the first man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 26 letters in the alphabet." And so the MD gave him a job.
The second man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 26 letters in the alphabet." And so he joined the company too.
The third man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 24 letters in the alphabet."

The MD said "Why is that?" And the man said "Because I just blew up B&Q."
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Lost on an Island


A Safety Officer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from? How did you get here? "She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron.

But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?" The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a PinaColada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch.

After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable.

"After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"


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Light Bulb


How many nebosh tutors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this very complicated task.

How many safety engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. safety engineers do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many nebosh students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a diploma subject.

How many diploma 1 students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many diploma 2 students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many Msc students does it take to change a light bulb?
"10,000 words latter I’ll have to do more research and resubmit?"

How many environment students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Under normal public purchasing conditions, how many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb. One to hold the ladder (for health and safety!)

Under PFI:

One Privatised off shoot employee to change the bulb. Another to hold the ladder and a third to replace the temp who was holding the ladder but who has now got a permanent job elsewhere. Five light bulb changing consultants to develop a business case for changing said bulb and four more (from a different consultancy) to independently evaluate the first lots bid. Plus two separate teams of lawyers to make sure everything’s OK for both public and private perspectives.

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How many Safety Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-Four.
8 to argue
1 to get a continuance
1 to object
1 to demur
2 to research precedents,
1 to dictate a letter
1 to stipulate
5 to turn in their time cards
1 to depose
1 to write interrogatories
2 to settle
1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
28 to bill for professional services


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Executioner, the axe and the safety officer

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an Safety Officer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the Safety Officer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner. "Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the Safety Officer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
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Company Policy


Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that's how company policy begins...
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Definition of a safety manager

Sandwiched tightly between Top Brass and the teaming masses sits a wild-eyed individual madly singing a safety tune. He's the most misunderstood, maligned and unsung person in all the world of business. He's the proverbial "SAFETY PROFESSIONAL".

This fellow's a little bit of all strata's....a member of none. To the employee or worker he's a tool of management; to management, he's just another employee.

He finds his job interesting. He speaks for management from the "Ivory Tower" and then runs out to the Production Area, Warehouse or Work Site to hear how it sounds. He must keep his head in the "brass' board room", his feet in the muck.... a difficult position to keep from falling on his butt.
He has the curiosity of a cat....the tenacity of a mother in law...the determination of a taxi driver...the nervous system of a race car driver...the digestive capacity of a goat...the simplicity of a jackass...the diplomacy of a wayward husband...the hide of a rhinoceros...the speed of a rocket and the good humor of an idiot.

He has the busiest, shrewdest, plottingest, worryingest, most thoroughly washed brain of any human. His mail basket is always full, his desk is a constant mess and his calendar looks like cave drawings. Nobody has been given the run-around as often, has been passed so many bucks, is left holding so many bags, and has cut his way through so much red tape.
The SAFETY PROFESSIONAL keeps the coffee plantations, aspirin plants, liquor distilleries and the midnight oil companies in business. He must tread lightly over mountains of eggs, knowing where to tread and, more importantly, when and where NOT to tread. You'll find him everywhere...shouting loudly over the din of a bunch of roaring engines, whispering softly in the hallowed precincts of thick-carpeted offices.

Whenever there is an accident, the SAFETY PROFESSIONAL is often called in to explain why and how it happened. He's expected pull rabbits out of nonexistent hats; when the job is thankless, he gets it. He must engender interests in good housekeeping to people who live in garage sale clutter ...promote wider responsibility to people who have a narrow focus ... preach safety to people who think they don't need it. He must listen to the phrase, 'that's always the way we've done it," until he vomits.
Despite all the careful planning he is usually found dangling on a deadline...he's the original cat on the hot tin roof...in the middle of a muddle and of course LATE. The master of understatement, he must make fire protection sound as essential as religion and an accident cost sound like the national debt.

He's suppose to be a "specialist" who can breath new life into committees and meetings... leadership into management... cooperation into supervisory personnel... responsibility into employees/workers. He must inspire without propaganda... propagandize without being obvious. He parks his 1980's jalopy between the boss' new Mercedes and the janitor's SUV. When he's clever, it goes unnoticed...when he stubs his toe, the world is there to see and mock it.

To him a headache is normal; he'd have ulcers if he could afford them. He has more critics than Harry Truman. He meets more people who think they know more about safety than the company has conveyor hooks.
He can never be right. When he simplifies, he's pandering. When he gets a little technical, he's over their head. Half the people wonder what he does... the other half know what he does but think he's doing it wrong! When an idea turns out lousy and after the blame has been thoroughly kicked between the employee/worker, foreman and supervisor, it winds up in his lap.

More people bend his ear than anybody else's. Everybody thinks he always has time to stop and listen to a joke...hear a gripe...attend a meeting... serve on a committee. He does, and winds up taking most of his work home.

He has no peer in the realm of praise, propaganda and procrastination. He knows he's right; only the world thinks he's wrong. If he has an idea, it was stolen. However, a stolen idea is research! Where else do you think the background material for this sad tale of woe about a Safety Professional originated?

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The Battle of Trafalgar


The Battle of Trafalgar

Battle of 1805 a significant naval scrap Britannia vs. Spain (Pre Beckham, Owen & Real Madrid) and notable for zero US influence, other than Hollywood recreations that portray Nelson as a paid up Republican!

Nelson - Admiral of the Fleet,
Hardy - his loyal mate:-

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed Limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle In history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access
to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt-haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, We shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator Hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.