Sunday, July 30, 2006

Demolition Job

Three men wanted to join a demolition company, so they all sent there CV’s to the MD and asked if they could have a job. The MD said "prove you can blow up a building and tell me how many letters there are in the alphabet, then you can have a job."
So the first man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 26 letters in the alphabet." And so the MD gave him a job.
The second man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 26 letters in the alphabet." And so he joined the company too.
The third man went and blew up a building and said "Sir there are 24 letters in the alphabet."

The MD said "Why is that?" And the man said "Because I just blew up B&Q."
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Lost on an Island

A Safety Officer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "where did you come from? How did you get here? "She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron.

But enough of that," she said. Where do you live?" The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?" "No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a PinaColada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch.

After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable.

"After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"

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Light Bulb

How many nebosh tutors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this very complicated task.

How many safety engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. safety engineers do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many nebosh students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a diploma subject.

How many diploma 1 students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many diploma 2 students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many Msc students does it take to change a light bulb?
"10,000 words latter I’ll have to do more research and resubmit?"

How many environment students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Under normal public purchasing conditions, how many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb. One to hold the ladder (for health and safety!)

Under PFI:

One Privatised off shoot employee to change the bulb. Another to hold the ladder and a third to replace the temp who was holding the ladder but who has now got a permanent job elsewhere. Five light bulb changing consultants to develop a business case for changing said bulb and four more (from a different consultancy) to independently evaluate the first lots bid. Plus two separate teams of lawyers to make sure everything’s OK for both public and private perspectives.


How many Safety Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
8 to argue
1 to get a continuance
1 to object
1 to demur
2 to research precedents,
1 to dictate a letter
1 to stipulate
5 to turn in their time cards
1 to depose
1 to write interrogatories
2 to settle
1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
28 to bill for professional services

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Executioner, the axe and the safety officer

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an Safety Officer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the Safety Officer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner. "Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the Safety Officer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
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Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that's how company policy begins...
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Definition of a safety manager

Sandwiched tightly between Top Brass and the teaming masses sits a wild-eyed individual madly singing a safety tune. He's the most misunderstood, maligned and unsung person in all the world of business. He's the proverbial "SAFETY PROFESSIONAL".

This fellow's a little bit of all strata's....a member of none. To the employee or worker he's a tool of management; to management, he's just another employee.

He finds his job interesting. He speaks for management from the "Ivory Tower" and then runs out to the Production Area, Warehouse or Work Site to hear how it sounds. He must keep his head in the "brass' board room", his feet in the muck.... a difficult position to keep from falling on his butt.
He has the curiosity of a cat....the tenacity of a mother in law...the determination of a taxi driver...the nervous system of a race car driver...the digestive capacity of a goat...the simplicity of a jackass...the diplomacy of a wayward husband...the hide of a rhinoceros...the speed of a rocket and the good humor of an idiot.

He has the busiest, shrewdest, plottingest, worryingest, most thoroughly washed brain of any human. His mail basket is always full, his desk is a constant mess and his calendar looks like cave drawings. Nobody has been given the run-around as often, has been passed so many bucks, is left holding so many bags, and has cut his way through so much red tape.
The SAFETY PROFESSIONAL keeps the coffee plantations, aspirin plants, liquor distilleries and the midnight oil companies in business. He must tread lightly over mountains of eggs, knowing where to tread and, more importantly, when and where NOT to tread. You'll find him everywhere...shouting loudly over the din of a bunch of roaring engines, whispering softly in the hallowed precincts of thick-carpeted offices.

Whenever there is an accident, the SAFETY PROFESSIONAL is often called in to explain why and how it happened. He's expected pull rabbits out of nonexistent hats; when the job is thankless, he gets it. He must engender interests in good housekeeping to people who live in garage sale clutter ...promote wider responsibility to people who have a narrow focus ... preach safety to people who think they don't need it. He must listen to the phrase, 'that's always the way we've done it," until he vomits.
Despite all the careful planning he is usually found dangling on a deadline...he's the original cat on the hot tin the middle of a muddle and of course LATE. The master of understatement, he must make fire protection sound as essential as religion and an accident cost sound like the national debt.

He's suppose to be a "specialist" who can breath new life into committees and meetings... leadership into management... cooperation into supervisory personnel... responsibility into employees/workers. He must inspire without propaganda... propagandize without being obvious. He parks his 1980's jalopy between the boss' new Mercedes and the janitor's SUV. When he's clever, it goes unnoticed...when he stubs his toe, the world is there to see and mock it.

To him a headache is normal; he'd have ulcers if he could afford them. He has more critics than Harry Truman. He meets more people who think they know more about safety than the company has conveyor hooks.
He can never be right. When he simplifies, he's pandering. When he gets a little technical, he's over their head. Half the people wonder what he does... the other half know what he does but think he's doing it wrong! When an idea turns out lousy and after the blame has been thoroughly kicked between the employee/worker, foreman and supervisor, it winds up in his lap.

More people bend his ear than anybody else's. Everybody thinks he always has time to stop and listen to a joke...hear a gripe...attend a meeting... serve on a committee. He does, and winds up taking most of his work home.

He has no peer in the realm of praise, propaganda and procrastination. He knows he's right; only the world thinks he's wrong. If he has an idea, it was stolen. However, a stolen idea is research! Where else do you think the background material for this sad tale of woe about a Safety Professional originated?

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The Battle of Trafalgar

The Battle of Trafalgar

Battle of 1805 a significant naval scrap Britannia vs. Spain (Pre Beckham, Owen & Real Madrid) and notable for zero US influence, other than Hollywood recreations that portray Nelson as a paid up Republican!

Nelson - Admiral of the Fleet,
Hardy - his loyal mate:-

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed Limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle In history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access
to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt-haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, We shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator Hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.