Saturday, August 26, 2006

safety joke

A doctor, an engineer, and a safety officer arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The safety officer was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."


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Friday, August 25, 2006

Health and Safety, You See

Iain Dale's Diary: Health and Safety, You See: "Yesterday I visited ITN in Grays Inn Road. When I entered the building I was asked if I minded having my bag searched. No problem, I said. It's a large briefcase type bag, which has a lot of pockets and carries my laptop. I undid the two clasps and expected the man to have a good 'rootle' (as we say in Essex) but he just stood there and looked inside - not that he could see much as it was crammed full. I asked him if he wasn't going to search the bag. Oh no, he said. He couldn't put his hands inside - health and safety, you see. And then came the clincher. 'You never know what might be in there!' There's not a lot you can say to that, is there?"

Monday, August 21, 2006

bad safety joke


There was a young safety manager from Kent
Whose nose was all battered and bent.
One day he arose and followed his nose
And no one knew which way he went.
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Friday, August 18, 2006

Heaven or Hell....


Heaven or Hell: "An engineer/safety professional dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer/safety professional. Sorry but you're in the wrong place.' So the engineer/safety professional reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer/safety professional gets dissatisfied with the level of safety and comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer/safety professional is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?'

Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer/safety professional is going to come up with next.'

God replies, 'What??? You've got an engineer/safety professional? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.'

Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer/safety professional on the staff and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,'Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'"

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Hospital


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday.


So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Forklift joke


After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About £2,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"
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Fire Drill


Fire Drill
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced:

"We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."

My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added:

"If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."

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The smoke theory


A theory has recently been postulated asserting the great importance of smoke to the functioning of electrical components. According to this theory, it is smoke which makes components work because every time you let smoke out of a component, it stops working!! It seems this claim has been verified through extensive field testing.

As with many great discoveries, this has eluded the great minds of our time by its very simplicity. Of course, smoke makes all things electrical work! Remember the last time smoke escaped from your power supply? Didn’t it stop working? On a system level, a wiring harness carries smoke from one device to another, and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. Some systems require larger quantities of smoke to operate properly. That’s why the wires going to them are bigger.

Of course, there are some aspects of the theory which require further investigation. For example, one would think that persons who smoke cigarettes would be much more healthy from ingesting all that smoke. Experimental data seems to contradict that hypothesis. Perhaps smokers are actually exhaling more smoke than they inhale...


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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Manual Handling



During manual handling training a strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the site safety team.

After several minutes, the manual handling instructor had had enough.

''Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,'' he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can move something in a wheelbarrow over to that site hut that you won't be able to wheel back.''

''You're on, old man,'' the braggart replied. ''Let's see what you got.''

The manual handling instructor reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ''All right. Get in.''
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Balloon


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,

"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be a safety officer (Gladys)," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded,

"You must be a manager for southern rail."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman,

"You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Fireman’s pole banned for being a "health and safety hazard"!

Fireman’s pole banned for being a "health and safety hazard"!: "London, August 5: Firefighters in the UK are scorching mad after the traditional fireman's pole was banned from a new 2.4 million pound station because it posed a 'health and safety hazard'.

The firefighters will now be forced to run down the stairs of the newly built three-storey Greenbank Fire Station in Plymouth, Devon, raising concerns that vital seconds will be lost on their way to an emergency call."

Site meeting


The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before hand over the client wants some poor and incomplete work finished (snagging). A meeting is arranged between client, main contractor and a sub contractor. Site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager are all in attendance.

A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. The clients rep points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

They move to the first floor and the clients rep points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

on the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub contractor goes to the window and shouts
“Green side up”

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, "Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window
'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The sub contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blokes laying turf around the building."
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Accident report


"Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information on the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note on my accident form that my weight is 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope."

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