Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Vermin

A safety officer went to his factory on Monday morning and discovered a number of dead rats around the factory. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the safety officer to the public health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the environmental health department. The manager said he could not pick up the rats because it was a job for the waste collection department and he would need authorisation from their director.

Now, the safety officer knew the waste department director, and was not to eager to call him. The director had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the safety officer called him anyway. The director did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the safety officer and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to organise waste collection and get rid of dead animals?

The safety officer paused for a brief prayer and asked for divine guidance to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, it is my job to organise the waste disposal and get rid of dead vermin, but I always like to notify the next of kin first"


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Accident joke

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a safety exhibition together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story hotel in London. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell safety jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing 'safety dance' for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad accident stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling safety jokes & Jim began to sing. We can We can dance...........

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad accident stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Experience

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Yoke

"Where did you receive your safety training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yones."
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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Training

Safety Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no safety training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Fast safety

These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a safety consultant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Security

The kangaroo at the local zoo was somehow managing to escape every day, so the zookeepers sought advice from their safet manager and constructed a 10-foot tall fence around his enclosure to keep him in.

The next day, the zookeepers found he'd escaped again, the safety manager advised that this could lead to as erious accident, so they built a 20-foot tall fence around the enclosure.

Again, the kangaroo escaped, so the zookeeper contructed a 40-foot wall with spikes at the top and electrical wire along the bottom to prevent him from jumping out.

In the next enclosure, the giraffe asked his friend the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll keep building this wall?

The kangaroo replied, "I don't know, maybe a thousand feet. Either that or until someone stops leaving the gate open at night."
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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Monday, May 14, 2007

Eye Ear


A Safety Manager walks into the hospital and tells the reception nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Look mate, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

Fire Fly



A photographer for a national newspaper was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"


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safety photos
Safety photos and a few safety jokes - Original jokes are copyright

What is "pi"?


Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Safety Manager: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Disney hong kong « safety photo

Disney hong kong « safety photo

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Human Resources

Subject: Human Resources Memo


Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Tax free

Peter Maxwell sued his own corporation for workplace negligence and won $122,500 for injuries. The man and his wife owned 95% of a urethane manufacturing company in Chino, California. One day while Maxwell was operating a mixing device, a protruding bolt snagged his sweater and pulled him into the machinery and severely injuring him. The man hired a lawyer to sue the corporation which he and his wife owned.
Then the corporation hired a defense lawyer. Without going to court, the two lawyers a greed that the company had been negligent and should pay Maxwell $122,500 for his injuries. The I.R.S. billed Maxwell $64,185 in income taxes on the payment, and the corporation $58,800 because the I.R.S. denied the deduction of the expense. He appealed led to the U.S. Tax Court, where Judge Robert Ruwe ruled that Maxwell could have the money tax-free and that his company could deduct the sum as a business expense.

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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Claim

An Oregon jury ordered Ford to pay $1.5 million to the estate of a woman who was killed when a runaway horse she hit crashed through the roof of her Ford Pinto. (Ford confessed that the roof was never designed or tested for such possible accidents)
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Genie

A safety officer, a safety manager and a safety director in a large multi national were walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the safety officer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the safety manager. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the safety director. The director says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Institution of Occupational Safety and Health | News Centre

Institution of Occupational Safety and Health | News Centre: "It seems that when it comes to conkers, you just can’t win. A local council removes conkers from trees and gives them to schools is slammed as “bonkers” (‘Conkers bonkers’, Daily Express, 10 October) but if they did nothing and a child is injured falling out of a tree or a local resident suffers damage to property then that’s called “negligent”."

Friday, May 11, 2007

Chrimbo safety joke

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans and then I shall destroy the world."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah", he roared, "I'm about to start the rain. Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord", begged Noah. "But things have changed. I need Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m². I've been arguing with the Chief Fire Officer about the need for the fire risk assessment and a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. I had to appeal to the secretary of state, and you know how long that takes. There may even be a public inquiry.

Because the construction is in my garden the electrical wiring has to be installed by a Part P registered electrician and they are all booked up for four to six months or buried under certificates and paperwork and therefore would not have been able to complete the work within your timescale. As for the plumbers, well I just can't get hold of them... All I get is "Hi welcome to the Orange Answer Phone, please leave your message after the tone" and needless to say they never call me back.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a tree Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, The Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the equal opportunities Commission on how many people of different nationalities I'm supposed to hire for my building team, and the requirement for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to Hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark building experience.

HSE has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are miles from the sea. They've also been talking to me about CDM 2007, whatever that is!

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Frankie C

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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes
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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Santa Claus: Risk Assessment

Santa Claus: Risk Assessment

Let's get this straight: he's in charge of a flying vehicle and needs to deliver heavy loads to a critical deadline? We think it's time for a Risk Assessment.

Name
Santa Claus, aka Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, Père Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas, Weinachtsmann

General job description

Santa Claus is employed for only two nights a year. His duties are as follows:

* Delivering presents from the Elves’ factory in the North Pole to all the good children world-wide
* Carrying out work whilst the children are asleep to avoid detection
* Delivering presents in a nine-reindeer flying sleigh
* Gaining access to premises from the roof via chimney
* Payment in the form of tips (generally mince pies and sherry)
* Enhanced CRB Documentation must be provided

Logistics of job

Previous research has shown that:

* Santa visits over 1500 homes per second
* The average speed of his sleigh is of the order of 3.6 million miles an hour.
* The sleigh carries about 156,000 tonnes of cargo.

Risk assessment and general health and safety requirements

Vehicle
It is Santa's responsibility to ensure that the sleigh is of good air worthy condition, carries all necessary documents and complies to all relevant regulations; failure to do so will result in prosecution and a fine, and/or custodial sentence.

As the sleigh passes through International air space all relevant Civil Aviation laws and rules must be adhered to:

* Registration and identification marks must be visible
* Seat belts must be fitted and worn during take off and landing
* Emergency exits must be clearly marked, and clear of obstructions
* As all large bodies of water are to be overflown, life jackets must be carried
* Port & Starboard designation lights must be fitted. The glowing red nose of Rudolf is not an acceptable warning light for other air space users
* A fire extinguisher and First Aid Kit must be carried
* The Reindeers’ harnesses should be loose fitting so as not to cause chafing, be regularly checked for tear and wear, and replaced as necessary.

As the sleigh has an open cockpit Santa must have suitable clothing to protect him from:

* Extreme cold of Northern Alaska
* Heat of Central Africa & Australia
* Decompression of high altitude flight, generally over large bodies of water
* Good quality shatter proof eye protection must be worn (insect or reindeer excrement strike at 2000 miles per second could impair vision).
* The extreme forces due to acceleration and deceleration. A full climate controlled outfit with integral ‘G’ suit is recommended, available from NASA and other specialist stockists

Landing and taking off

Landing and take-off permission must be sought from the relevant air traffic authority, as well as permission to enter or leave designated air space.

Before landing Santa must sight the proposed area and check it is clear of obstructions, bearing in mind the sleigh takes up the room of 1500 houses. Large mirrors should be fitted to enable the rear of the sleigh to be viewed during parking. Care must be taken to avoid trees, overhead power lines and chimneys. Chimneys should not be blocked as these must be clear to gain access to the houses. The landing area should be capable of supporting the 156,000 tonne vehicle. Collapse of any of the target houses would be unacceptable as the children would be woken.

Ingress and egress of vehicle

As the sleigh is parked on roof tops, most of which are in areas of temperate climates and have pitched roofs, care must be taken and a good quality working boot should be worn giving good ankle support for the sloped surface.

For areas in the Northern half of the Northern hemisphere where the temperature will invariably be below zero, a good non-slip soled shoe (with possible crampon fitment for snowy conditions) should be worn.

High visibility jacket and hard hat should also be worn.

A support harness must be worn. It must be attached via a retardation device to a secure anchor point.

For fragile roofs, Duck crawling boards must be used.

Handling of presents

Suitable training should be given to enable Santa to lift any heavy presents destined for especially good children. Special care should be taken when stretching to reach presents from the back of the sleigh.

Clambering over the pile of presents should be avoided due to the unstable nature of the footing, this can be achieved by packing the presents in the order required.

All dangerous materials, chemistry sets etc, should be suitably marked, have relevant COSHH sheets attached, and stored in a flameproof container.

Chimneys

Care should be taken when entering the chimney. The use of ladders is recommended, and also the safety harness. Due to the dark environment, a lamp should be used (miner's type would be preferable to enable hands’ free usage).

Respiration equipment and eye protection must be worn due to the dust, soot and smoke.

All clothing should be manufactured from non-flammable materials, and be heat and flame proof as many of the chimneys will have lit fires below. Footwear should have asbestos or similar heat resistant soles. (A seperate Risk Assessment and Asbestos Register should be kept regarding the boots).

Care should be taken to keep the high visibility jacket clean. It is recommended that it is washed or changed regularly.

Setting down of presents

Care should be taken when entering the room. Dogs, security guards and surveillance equipment should be catered for. Attack by dogs can be prevented by the wearing of thick over-garments or even a decoy piece of steak. For surveillance equipment and security guards, Santa's own sleight of hand will have to suffice.

Caution should be taken around Christmas trees which are normally covered in sharp needles and fragile glass baubles. If Santa's clothing is wet due to rain or melted snow there is a definite risk of electrocution with the Christmas lights. A rubber mat should be provided to prevent such a problem.

Manual handling training should be given to show the correct way to set down large presents. Trip hazards should be looked out for, e.g. last year's discarded toys on the floor of children's bedrooms.

Working hours

With Santa's 31 hour working day, regular breaks should be taken, allowing time to eat, drink and take care of calls of nature.

Working with animals, the reindeer should also be given regular breaks for the same reasons. They should be allowed to graze frequently and be given time to stretch their legs. Santa should be trained in the flying reindeers’ special needs; little or nothing is known of this and research should be undertaken to discover their anatomical needs.

Safety equipment

All safety equipment should be checked and/or replaced each year to ensure optimum performance.

In charge of a vehicle under the influence of alcohol

Due to the means of payment this is especially important. It is recommended that a separate designated driver is employed. Due to the covert nature of these operations, one of Santa's own elves would be a suitable candidate.

CRB Clearance

Specifically relevant in the UK (United Kingdom) it is also required that background checks should be made as Santa, by his own admission, visits the childen in their own homes to give them presents, whilst they are asleep in their beds!
An enhanced CRB (Criminal Record Bureau) disclosure MUST be obtained before Santa may continue to enter any home this year, also, this must apply to any of his little helpers (elves) who accompany him on his deliveries. Failure to obtain these documents will mean that to continue, the Santa Claus franchise will be in breech of UK law and will be liable to immediate arrest or indeed, the sleigh may be shot down by UK Air Defences, with all due care being taken to avoid injuring any Reindeer, should this be required.

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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes

Monday, May 07, 2007

Genie

A safety officer, a safety manager and a safety director in a large multi national were walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the safety officer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He’s gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the safety manager. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the safety director. The director says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


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safety photos
Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes